One of the worst things about being a girl is the amount of friends we go through. The ultimate worst part is being on the ditched and dumped end of the friendship. Girls don’t necessarily tell you you’re not their friend anymore, they just kind of disappear without warning. Of course growing up and getting older it gets tougher to hold onto any one good friend. We all go our separate ways and that’s that. Even when you try to make an effort in keeping the friendship it just sort of fades away. At the beginning of a college semester you hear, “Let’s get together at least once a week, okay?” Well after four months of hearing from that very same friend, “Sorry I have too much homework” or, “I have to work” or, “I’m too tired” or, “I’m hanging out with my tennis buddies, we’ll have to try another day” you don’t even get a response of an excuse anymore. Instead, you see how much fun they’re having with someone else on social media while you’re sitting behind that screen wondering what it is that you did to run them away. And maybe you didn’t do anything at all! (Most of the time that’s not even the case.) It’s just the fact of the matter that you don’t fit into their lifestyle anymore. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with you, or them, that’s just life. Unfortunately. Being a girl, who isn’t exactly social, I tend to just be a speed bump friend for a lot of other girls until their road leads them somewhere more interesting. I have spent a lot of time wondering what it is that is wrong with me that has made so-and-so leave my life for good without telling me what happened. It’s taken me twenty years to realize I am not a bad person, and it’s okay to be that speed bump friend. I just know that I’ll always, always be as good a friend to anyone as I can because someone always needs at least one good friend in their life. If I can’t be the friend that someone goes through great lengths to keep, I’ll instead be that one friend someone remembers years from now because I took care of them and made them feel wanted and loved.
When I was little I remember my parents never getting along. Some things never change. Well maybe they do a little… A couple years ago when things were getting so bad between my parents, they sat my younger brother and I down with them to talk. My mom wanted us to tell her and my dad what they together and individually should change. My brother froze and silenced himself. I, being the oldest and the least to really care what they thought I said, told them they should not be together any longer. It broke them both in their own way. My mom cried. Hard. My dad got defensive. Angry. Their broken hearted reactions broke my own heart. Since that day they truly have made an effort in improving themselves as a couple and themselves individually. Now, even though they are making great efforts, they still have yet to learn how to get along. They still rarely talk or discuss plans as they can’t and never agree on anything. I have a father who never thinks outside the box and a mother who never thinks inside the box. Now that I am older and more focused on my own life and it’s future, I’ve learned to just ignore their disagreements and the shouting that comes along with it. Not to say the shouting doesn’t get under my skin and that it doesn’t constantly make me want to scream, “Get me the fuck out of here!” Especially since 95% of the disagreements are about me these days. You see, I’m too much for my mom to handle. I’m just a straight asshole in her mind. And I have to be honest I’m not the most civil to her… But to my dad, I’m his little girl and I can’t do anything wrong. I’m not one to use his naive self to my advantage and get away with stupid nonsense. I use it to my advantage more along the lines of him getting my mom off my back. She worries about me like any good mother should, but sometimes she lets that worry get the better of her and intervene in my life completely uninvited. I’m TWENTY years old. I don’t need my mother snooping through my stuff to find out what I’m up to. (Especially when I literally just go to work and then sit in my bed at home.) That’s where my dad comes in handy. He’s here to level her crazy mommy needs out. I have a lot to be thankful from them both whether I like to admit it or not. I’ve learned a lot from them even with the shouting disagreements. I’ve run out of story about my sweet loving family so that’s that for tonight.
So I’m trying something new. I am not very big on trying a whole lot of new things as I am incredibly chicken, but here goes… Blogging. Someone just recently told me I should start blogging. “I think you’d be good at it,” they said. Maybe I would. And maybe I should start. I’m already one step ahead of the game. I have the blog already made. But what am I going to write?! Anything and Everything? I’m not a very exciting person! I’m a twenty year old girl with an embarrassingly low amount of friends. I take college classes online to get out of sitting in a classroom. I work in a veterinary hospital probably as your dog or cat’s nurse. I live with my parents in a small town. (I’m still trying to figure my life out–it’s not going well. -.-) I just don’t have a lot going on. My boyfriend of almost three years and I just recently got engaged, but I’m not even at the crazy bridezilla stage as we haven’t even picked a date yet. I feel like my life can be so crazy at times because of one out of the ordinary thing happening, but as I think about it now I am so embarrassed of the life I am currently leading. I should be living it up! Getting out there! Trying new things and going to new places, meeting new people. My problem with all of that… I’m such a flat person. I’m a home body no matter how much I think I want to be out and about. I’m very introverted–in other words, I pretty much hate everyone. But on top of all my flatness, my mind is wild and insane. It never stops going. I have an amusement park that never seems to close for the night going on inside my head. The roller coasters constantly dip me down into depression and then shoot me right back up to uncontrollable anxiety. I’m always lost in what I’m feeling, who I am, and where I’m going. I’m scared to live it up. I’m scared to get out there. Scared to try new things and go to new places, meet new people. I’m scared of me. I’m a mess. And for some crazy reason, there’s one person in this world who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. With my mess and everything! I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have met this man and have him in my life for as long as he has been. Now that I’ve made my first “Trying New Things” post all deep and sappy and weird, I think I might as well wrap it up. Maybe I’ll write like this again, maybe I won’t. Like I said in the beginning, I’m not too big on this trying new things deal.
“I think it’s best we just stay friends from now on.”
“Meet me at my car after school so you can get all your stuff out of it.”
“You know you’re giving me a ride home, right?”
“No, I’m not. You’re getting your stuff and finding your own way home. I’m done Max.”
Laughs, “Oh, okay. Whatever you say. If you’re trying to hurt me it’s not working.”
“I’m not. Just moving on. I’m sick of being treated like I don’t matter.”
“I haven’t done shit. What are you talking about?”
Walking away, “See you after school.”
“Fine. See you later bestie!”
My last class is over, which means so is Max’s. I start walking to the other side of the school towards the parking lot. I’m nervous. Will I be strong enough to say no to him? I want to. I’m done having him in charge of me, but I always seem to give in. He has this power over me. I know he really doesn’t care about me though. If he did why would he ignore me for five days? That can’t be normal.
I’m getting closer to my car. I can see him leaning up against my car, a devilish smile slapped on his face like he knows exactly what’s about to happen. I feel weak inside already.
Arms out, “How’s my bestie?”
I walk straight to the driver’s side door and unlock it. I open the door and push the button to unlock the rest of the car doors.
“Get your stuff. I have to go.”
“Wait, can you please take me to my mom’s?”
“No Max, I really have to go. Now please get your stuff.”
“It’s literally just down the street. All you have to do is drop me off and go. Otherwise I have to walk, and look it’s raining. Pleeeeease?”
“But…” hesitating, “No.”
He swipes my keys out of my hands and shoves his way into my car.
“Goddamnit Max! I’m being serious. Give me my keys and get out!”
Tauntingly, “You can’t have these back until you get in and take me home.”
Hesitating, “Fine. But I’m not going in. I really have to go.”
Smiling, “That’s fine.”
I pull to the side of the road next to the storage unit buildings where his mom’s shack of a home sits on top of the units.
He continues to sit in the passenger seat. He pulls out his phone and turns on the screen. He swipes to unlock his phone and looks at it as if he’s reading something.
“Hello? I said bye.”
“My mom asked to see you. Do you think that you could come up really quick just to say hi?”
“I promise that’s all you have to do. Then you can leave.”
“Ugh. Fine. But that’s it.”
I get out of my car. I know I’m being totally stupid and I’m STILL giving in, but it’s his mom. We walk to the door entering to the stairway. Max jiggles the door handle.
“She must’ve locked it and forgot. Sometimes when David is gone she locks it.”
“I don’t care. Just hurry up.”
He lifts the doormat that reveals a key hidden underneath it. He uses the key to unlock the door. He motions for me to go in first while he puts the key back. I take a few steps up the stairs and before I know it I feel his hand around my ankle. He yanks my leg out from under me and I fall. Hard.
“Ow! Max! What are you doing?”
I feel him crawling on top of me. I struggle to crawl up the stairs, but he pulls on my ankles. I slid back down the stairs.
He spins me around so I’m now lying on my back. He starts undoing my belt and unbuttoning my pants.
“Max! I said stop! What are you doing?”
He laughs. Still messing with my pants.
“Seriously Max, stop!”
Laughing, “I’m just kidding. Come on. Let’s go up stairs.”
My heart is racing. I quickly button my pants and buckle my belt. He stands over me, smiling. I stand up. My head tells me to leave now, but my legs take the liberty of walking up the stairs anyway with Max just behind me. I get to the door at the top of the stairs, I open it and enter into the small shack-like apartment. I stand in the entry and look around for Max’s mom to be in the kitchen or on the couch. She’s not here.
“Max, your mom isn’t here. Is she?”
I hear the door close behind me. I turn around slowly to see Max standing in front of the closed door with an evil grin. I start backing away.
“Max. Please. I told you I have to go.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just continues to walk towards me with a smile as I back away. I look behind me and notice I’m running out of room to back away from him. My heart races.
He shoves me into a big lounge chair that’s stops me from backing away. He jumps on top of my lap and pins my arms up above me.
“Get off of me!”
Laughing, “Or what? I just want to hang out with you is all.”
He lets go of my arms and goes for my pants again. I slap him across the face. He immediately stops with my pants. Fury boils in his eyes.
Quietly, “Max… Please.”
He raises his hand and strikes me across my face as hard as he can. Too stunned I don’t say anything. He gets off my lap and steps away from me. Face stinging, I raise from the chair and start for the door. I feel him slip my phone out of my back pocket.
“Give me my phone back.”
He chuckles and runs for the bathroom. I go after him.
“I said give it back!”
In the bathroom he giggles.
Holding the phone towards me, “Okay. Here, you can have it back.”
I reach out for my phone. He grabs my arm and wraps both of his arms around my body.
Lifting me up, “Have you ever had sex in the shower?”
“No! Max stop! You know I haven’t.”
“Well you’re about to.”
Struggling to get away, “No!”
I break free with my phone in hand. I run out of the bathroom door, but he grabs my arm and again holds me. He carries me into his mom’s room, throwing me on her bed. He shuts the door and it goes dark. Pitch black. I can’t see anything. There’s not a single window anywhere. My breathing is hard as my heart races in my chest. I feel him crawl on top of me.
“No. Please. Don’t.”
He pins me down, kissing my face all over. I breathe even more rapid.
“No, Max stop. Let me go.”
Undoing my belt, “Shh.”
I then feel his body lift off of me. I get up as fast as possible and run in the direction of the door. I find the handle, open the door, and make my way for the door to the stairway. I get to the door, grab the handle and begin to swing the door open. I feel my sweatshirt tighten around my neck. He’s grabbing my hood. He pulls me back, slams the door shut, and shoves me to the ground. He crawls on top of me and pins my arms down above my head.
With fury, “I didn’t say it was time for you to leave yet.”
“Just let me go. I have to go.”
Using only one hand now he keeps my arms pinned down. He begins undoing my pants once again. He snickers. I feel tears in my eyes. My heart still racing and my breathe still hard, I look around the room for a way to get away. I notice the window across the room in the kitchen is open. I scream.
“Stop! Be quiet! People will hear you!”
“Get off of me! Help!”
“Taylor be quiet!”
“Get off! You’re scaring me!”
He immediately stops. He slowly raises his body off of mine and stands. I can see his fury turn to rage. I get myself off the floor.
“Are you fucking saying I’m trying to rape you?”
“Is that what you’re fucking saying?!”
Hesitant, “You’re pinning me down. You’re not listening.”
“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
“I’ve been trying. Fuck you!”
“Don’t you ever come in my house and call me a rapist! Get out! Don’t come back!”
I scramble to open the door.
“And don’t go fucking killing yourself driving home! You text me when you get there!”
Halfway down the stairs, “Like you give a fuck!”
I can hear his footsteps coming to the stairs. My heart begins to race again. He’s at the top of the stairs.
“What did you just say?”
I run down the stairs to the door. He runs after me. I try to slam the door in his face, but he gets to it too quickly. I try to run, but he grabs my arm.
Shouting, “Let go of me!”
“Be quiet. Don’t yell at me out here, you’re going to cause a scene and a disturbance.”
“Let go of me.”
He let’s go. I make my way to my car. He runs after me and gets to the driver’s side sooner than I do. He stands in front of my door.
“Let me in my car Max.”
I open the back door and crawl in the backseat and try to get to the front, but he sits in the driver’s seat first.
I sit quietly. I stare off out the window still breathing heavily.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I stay silent.
“You’re not acting normal,” pausing “And now you won’t talk to me.”
I continue to look out the window.
“Fine. Fucking leave then.”
He gets out of the car and slams the door. He walks back towards the building. I quickly slide over to the driver’s seat and start the car. I put my seat belt on and drive away, tears pouring down my cheeks.
“The number you are calling is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.”
“Um… Uh, hi Jake. It’s… It’s Taylor. Please call me back when you have a chance. I need to talk to you. It’s uh… It’s about your cousin. I need help. Okay um… Thanks, bye.”
I remember the first time we met. Like it was just yesterday. My stomach was in knotted nerves. I was so afraid of who you were going to turn out to be. But then as soon as I saw you… It was all okay. You were exactly what I had been looking for.
I remember the first time you told me I was yours. I remember you told me you’ve never wanted anything more than you wanted me, and I remember feeling so incredibly special because no one has ever wanted me the way you did.
I remember the first time we kissed. It was so warm. It was so gentle, but so incredibly powerful. It was, and still is, my very favorite kiss. I remember feeling the love radiating from the two of us the second our lips touched.
I remember the first time I fell in love with you. It only took two weeks. Two whole weeks, and I fell in love. An incredibly deep love. I almost didn’t believe it was real. It couldn’t have happened that fast… but it did. I wouldn’t have traded anything in the world for it.
I remember the first time we got to sleep together in the same bed. It was the most comforting thing I had ever endured. I remember that I slept so peacefully that night. And the next morning I couldn’t have been happier to wake up next to you.
I remember the first time we made love. It was incredible. Passionate. Real. Exhilarating. And so forbidden. I remember thinking to myself that I had never yearned for someone so heavily before. But it all felt so right, and so natural.
I remember the first time I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Normally you wouldn’t think that a pregnancy scare would put such an idea into someone’s head, but it made me realize you were the one I’d be okay to have those scares with.
I remember the first time I decided I couldn’t live without you. You tried to leave because you thought it would be better for me. You thought you were bringing me down. What you didn’t realize was you were the one keeping me higher than I’d ever been.
I remember the first time you asked me to marry you. You asked as a joke, but you couldn’t have been more serious. I remember you said that as soon as you got the money you’d buy a ring to put on my finger.
I remember the first time you asked to have babies with me. You didn’t ask as a joke, and you couldn’t have been more serious. I remember telling you we couldn’t at the time, but I promised we could as soon as we had the money.
I remember the first time I realized I was going to grow old with you. I couldn’t have been more pleased with how my life was going to be. I remember being so excited to see how our lives were going to turn out. I knew we were going to make a great team.
I remember the first time you broke my heart. It hurt. More than anything I’ve ever felt before. I didn’t know what to do with myself other than crawl deep into darkness. Now what was I supposed to do with my life? All my future plans have to change.
I remember the first time you wanted me back. I was so relieved. You realized you couldn’t be without me either. I couldn’t be happier that my life was back to normal and my future would still be the same that I had anticipated.
I remember the second time you broke my heart. Two weeks later. You didn’t want me anymore. It hurt just as bad the second time as it did the first time. If not more. I’ve been dead ever since. I don’t know how I’ll ever recover. It’s been four months and I’ve just gotten worse.
The purest of beauty is in the Spring.
Every inch of time,
Illuminates every natural thing.
Birds in the trees they sing,
Voices they have that rhyme.
The purest of beauty is in the Spring.
Green moss on the rocks to cling;
The sun slowly rises with a climb,
Illuminates every natural thing.
With all of nature’s being,
There is never not a time
The purest of beauty is in the Spring.
The leaves they swing
In the breeze, such time
Illuminates every natural thing.
Those birds in the trees that sing
With the voices that rhyme,
The purest of beauty is in the Spring
Illuminates every natural thing.
The thing I hate about being a writer
is that I have not a single clue.
But what I love is there’s no righter
way to write than to just do.
The hardest part, for me, is rhyme.
I just can’t get it to flow
so I spend so much of my time,
and going way too slow
just to get those words down
on paper. The rest?
I can get it all done without a frown
and it’ll sound the very best.
But the best thing about being able to write
is no matter what it’s all right.